Minggy Monka and his Chocolate Cake Factory
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Warning: Do not proceed further if you have coprophobia/fecophobia!
I was just chatting on MSN just now and I needed to pang sai. So I had to tell my friends to wait. However, they didn't seem to appreciate that much detail. For example...
Mingmong: Eh, I need to go and pang sai.
Friend: You can just tell me to wait.
Mingmong: Orh. Ok. Wait...I need to go pang sai
Friend: Why you and XXX the same! Must tell me when you go pang sai! I don't need to know!
Mingmong: Orh...Sorry. Next time I won't tell you if I need to pang sai.
Mingmong: But now I really need to go and pang sai!
Friend: Just go!!!
After I came back from down-loading, I started telling another friend about my Shitology theories. Similarly, she too was grossed out.
Another friend (girl) also gets really irked whenever I mention shit in our conversation. It seems as though something that comes out of you everyday (almost) is a taboo. However, it seems that only girls are disgusted by it. If I were to tell my guy friends that I need to pang sai, they will just take it as it is. In fact, my guy friends love to go shit together even. Like when a girl wants to go to the toilet, she'll ask her galfrens, "anyone wants to go to the ladies?". Guys don't bother asking when they need to pee, but if its the big one, then they'll go, "eh, anyone want to shit?".
Therefore, I think there is a area where further research can be done in Scatology, on explaining the abhorrence girls have towards scat. But for now, let Professor Minggy Mongka, doctorate in Shitology (more commonly known as Scatology), and owner of his own chocolate cake factory, teach you the basics you will need to pass have a minor in Shitology.
To be able to pass Shitology 101, you will need to answer these simple questions...
1) How is shit made?
2) Why is shit brown?
3) Why does shit smell?
4) What are the 3 states of matter that shit exists in?
To make all these facts easy to remember, we must first imagine the process of cooking beef stew.
First, we need to chop up the ingredients which is beef, carrots, celery, onions, etc. Similarly, to make shit, we also need ingredients. For shit, we are not so fussy about the ingredients. Anything goes! Which is why it is so simple to make! So we chop up the ingredients by putting it in our mouths and chewing. Then, we marinate the ingredients with a special sauce, saliva.
Then, if you want soft and tender beef in your stew, you will need to massage the meat first! Similarly, we definitely want soft and tender shit coming out of our ass, so we leave the massaging to our oesophagus through the process of peristalsis, where our ingredients are slowly massaged through muscular contractions and further marinated with mucus.
Then, once you are done preparing the ingredients for your beef stew, you dump them all into the crockpot where you mix the ingredients and add water, salt, pepper, thyme, garlic, onions, etc and whatever spices needed. Then leave it to cook for a few hours. Similarly, the ingredients will go into your human crockpot, which is your stomach. There it is mixed and churned together and it is left to cook in there for some time.
Then, sometimes for certain recipes, you can choose to add in some lemon juice and parsley after a while to add a more tangy taste to the stew. Similarly, your stomach automatically throws in something similar to lemon juice too! Just that its a little more acidic, in the form of hydrocholoric acid, and instead of parsley, enzymes are dumped into the stew.
Next, although you just leave the stew in the crockpot to cook for 8-9 hours, making shit is similar, just that you have to imagine the intestines as part of the crockpot too, just a very long crockpot. So after the stomach, the stew slowly passes through the intestines where it continues to cook. The great thing about our special crockpot is that it automatically adds spices/herbs to the stew throughout the cooking process, unlike cooking beef stew where you just dump it all into the crockpot overnight and serve the next day. So, through the intestines, your pancreas, gall bladder, liver etc, all add some salt (bile salts) or other spices like enzymes into the stew.
After cooking for about 6-8 hours, it is finally ready. If you are not ready to eat your beef stew yet, you can leave it in the crockpot to simmer until its time for you meal. Similarly, when you are not ready to shit, it will all go to your rectum where it will be stored temporarily and simmered as well since its inside your body.
When you're hungry and ready to have some stew, just open the crockpot and serve. Similarly, when you're ready to down-load, just open those anal doors and serve.
This is how shit is made! Easy isn't it?
Now, why is it brown and why does it smell? This is simple. Why is your beef stew brown and why does it smell so great? Well, the stew is brown because of the spices or sauces you used, maybe Worschershire sauce? Similarly, shit is brown because of the sauce you used, which is bile, and also the bile salts.
And why does the beef stew smell so good? Common sense tells you that its also because of the herbs/spices you used! But you are forgetting something. It is also because it was cooking in the crock pot for over 8 hours and the smell was just trapped within the crockpot, fermenting the stew with a concentrated and overwhelming fragrance. So once you open the crockpot, the smell will just hit you like how the carbon dioxide rushes out of your coke bottle when you first open it. Similarly, shit has such an overwhelming smell because it has been stored for as long as you refuse to shit. The longer you store, the more fragrant it gets! But of course, the main cause of the smell is the bacteria that's in it.
For the final question, what are the 3 states of matter that shit exists in? Just think of beef stew again. In beef stew, you have the solids (beef), you have the liquid (gravy), and you have the gas (the wonderful fragrance!). Similarly, shit exists in the same way. You have solid shit which is your normal scat if you eat properly, your liquid shit if you eat crap, and your gas shit which is just fart.
However, unlike water, shit can exist in different states together at the same temperature. For example, you can fart (gas) before just before you shit, and then you shit (liquid or solid). You could shit both solid and liquid together. And sometimes, you can even have all 3 at one down-load.
There...isn't Shitology 101 simple? Nothing too taboo or disgusting about it if you can just think of it as beef stew. I hope you've all enjoyed today's lesson!
I know after this lesson, some of you might be more interested in this field of study. However, I would recommend not venturing into the area of Coprophilia/Fecophilia. That is one phenomena which I myself cannot fathom.
Also, although I've heard that the Japanese actually practice Coprophagia, I still prefer to stick to the mainstream Japanese food. It might sound hard to believe, but its true. Alex (who majors in cooking) watched a documentary which featured a restaurant in Japan that actually serves shit. And apparently, it is a delicacy! They have different flavours even! How it works is that you have to pre-order the shit you want to eat, say carrot shit, maybe 1 week in advance. Then they will get their "Chef" to go on a carrot only diet for the rest of the week. And just before you come in, the Chef will prepare his carrot shit just for you. Weird? Its bizarre I say!
Finally, just for those who are interested in Shitology, a more challenging question, or food for thought...
Q: If making shit is akin to making beef stew, what happens if you use beef stew as your ingredient for cooking shit?
Maybe you can think about it over dinner or something...
Mingmong _ c r a p p e d _ @ 5:44 PM |
