Wednesday, November 02, 2005
I am writing this because I am Super Buay Song. Let me tell you why...
Today, I'm off work because I worked yesterday. So here I am alone at home at lunch time with nothing to eat. I looked in the kitchen and nothing available for me to cook. Therefore, I decided to go to the nearby coffeeshop to buy lunch (nearby in my case is not like a stone's throw away).
Mode of transport: Brother's bicycle.
I hopped on his bike and I realised his tires were a little low on air. But I decided to use it anyway since the I didn't want to be walking with the mid-day sun blazing down on me. There is a petrol station near the coffeshop anyway, so I can pump in some air for the ride back.
So I went on my journey. Got to the petrol station and tried to inflate the tires. Failed. Somehow, his $1,000 bike has special tires that doesn't seem to inflate like a normal bike. So I gave up and proceeded to get my lunch and hurry back.
While waiting for my food, I noticed that he had a mini air pump attached to his bike. So I figured that a special bike requires a special pump. I decided to give it a go. I pumped and pumped and pumped, but the tire just didn't seem to feel any different. Then I fiddled with this screw on the tire needle and suddenly, I was letting the air out!
GREAT. I had a flat tire. I pondered my next move: 1) push the bicycle all the way home, or 2) take a bus. Considering the weather, my lunch which I had to carry in one hand, and the fact that I might spoil the delicate premium tires by working it while its flat, taking a bus was the obvious choice. Well, there was a 3rd option which was to take 240, but then I've been taking it too often recently, so better cut back on expenses.
So I sat at the bus stop waiting for the bus. Stomach growling. Food sitting beside me. Sweating even in the shade. Bus taking a mother long time to come (which eventually was about 20 mins). All the ingredients for an irritated Mingmong.
After waiting for what felt like a year, I contemplated walking back instead. However, walking back at that point of time would not have made much sense since I had already invested 10 minutes of waiting time. Suppose I begin walking back and moments later the bus comes, I would end up worse off than if I had waited. So, I waited.
The more I waited, the hungrier I became. I looked at the packet of Hor Fun sitting beside me, and I decided to eat it while waiting. I picked it up and opened the plastic bag. They didn't give me chopsticks. Great. The Hor Fun went back to sit beside me. I sat there and wait for the SBS bus to come, wait until See Bey Sian
After 10 years, the bus finally came. The door opened. I lifted my bike and went up the bus, grateful that I can finally get some air con. BUT, the bloody bus driver, or shall I call him more professionally, Bus Captain (pwee!) said "Eh, bu ke yi!" WTF?!
I told him my tire was flat. He said "bu ke yi!"
I said I only would ride for 2 stops. He said "bu ke yi!"
I asked why cannot. He said "bu ke yi!"
WTF?!?!
I got off the bus. Incensed. The bus drove off. KNNBCCB.
In the end I had to push the bike all the way home. Dunno why today I See Bey Suay. I should have just pushed it back right from the beginning. But that is not the point. Why in the world was I not allowed to get on to the bus with a bicycle?! The damn bus was empty, so I definitely would not be taking up too much space. My bike was spanking clean. No mud, no wet tires or anything, so I definitely would not be dirtying the bus (as if SBS buses are clean to begin with). What possible reason was there to refuse me entry into a bus?! There is no sign in the bus that says "NO BICYCLES ALLOWED. FINE $500." Or is it because my bicycle has no EZ Link card? Bloody hell.
As I walked, I decided that I am going to write in to SBS to complain. Or maybe write to TODAY's forum to demand an explaination from SBS. Bloody SBS, make me Super Buay Song. In Europe, people can bring bicycles on to the buses or trains. Can bring DOGS even.
Bloody SBS always put the big big banners or posters in the interchange or on the buses to say their Bus Captain very good. Then show which drivers win what Best Bus Captain of the month or Courtesy Award or what fuck. Picture show the bus drivers all wear the green shirt and show you nice smile. Outside the bus put this kind of advertisement, but the door open to let you go in, the bus driver say "Sorri, Buay Sai!", then you lan lan have to walk home. Gahmen still want to talk about what service excellence in Singapore and what Tau Gey not enough. If I take bus and they SBS driver know how to say "Salut! Bon Soir" then maybe la.
I then went to surf the SBS website and this was what I found...
CORE BELIEFS:
We will :
- Be driven by our customers’ needs
- Strive for excellence in everything we do
- Act with integrity at all times
- Treat people with fairness and respect
blah blah blah.....
PWEE! Customers' needs kee lan. When I NEEDED to take a bus, they tell me I NEED to walk back. I think they write that statement wrongly la, should be "we will DRIVE our customers' needs". They decide what their customer needs.
After I came home, I went to take a shower to cool down. Refreshed, I ate my Hor Fun. Food cheers me up. I thought I would forget the whole incident, but then I picked up the newspaper and I see the front page headline, "Service on the road to KL goes first-class". Basket I didn't know there were first class buses to KL. I thought take bus to Malaysia only have 2 kinds. One is the normal bus that everyone squeeze into and no leg room. The other is the buses with big seats and lots of leg room. Wah now have buses that have even more leg room, personal entertainment system, and serve meals! As I read the article, I remembered the bloody SBS driver. Small bus company can try to provide good service to customers, but SBS control the public bus network already they bo hiew what customers want. Then SBS think they biggest bus company in Singapore then they See Bey Saat, want to fight SMRT and control train network also by building NEL. But in the end, build one Buangkok only for white elephants to use.
After reading that article, I thought I should just forget it since I can't boycott SBS, unless SMRT send their buses to my house area. Then I go to the next page of the newspaper. Na bey. Headline: "SBS takes fresh look at providing real-time bus info". SBS today really out to make me dulan man. I read the article and SBS say they want invest in building a system to let commuters have real-time information about bus timings. They say it will help commuters plan their trips. Pwee. Put the system there let people know when the bus coming, but when the bus come, cannot go up the bus. Then they will say their costs going up la, then must raise the bus fare again. Or even better, they say people cheat on bus fare then they lose a lot of money, so must raise fare. I think they should spend the money on training their drivers instead. Or build disabled friendly buses. OR buy more buses so don't need to wait so long.
SBS. Spoil my holiday only. Pwee.
P/S : Apologies to reader's outside of Singapore (eg. Scotland, France) for using Singaporean lingo.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Ever since I posted my "Before & After" pictures a couple of weeks ago, I have been getting people disturbing me about my new found flabs.
For example...
"Eh, why don't you put up your fat picture (referring to msn pic)"
While others might put it in a more complimentary way though only complimentary in PAST TENSE...
"Wah, can you (referring to 3rd party who knows me) introduce me to the BEFORE Mingmong?"
Some would subtly question my ability to actually be slim at one point in my life...
"Wah, Mingmong got abs ah!??!?!!?!?!?!" (sarcasm detected)
Or in the most direct manner....
"No comments."
It seems like I am indeed the butt (definitely a taut one) of my own joke.
But then, what is it about being fat and slim? Why does the word FAT always bring about a connotation of unattractiveness or being undesirable? This issue about being FAT is becoming more widespread nowadays. All the slimming centres and slimming pills. Now they even have a reality show about fat people trying to slim down called Villa Wellness.
In the past, I don't think there was such an issue about being fat. I think men in the past thought fat women were hot! For example, Yang Gui Fei who was of Rubenesque proportions could charm an Emperor Tang Xuanzong and caused the collapse of a dynasty. Miss Féi would have probably created a new trend among women of her time. While you see models all having the Vogue look now, models of the past would be eating whole cows to get that Chub look.
Imagine how times have changed...
Now you have a comedian on stage that goes...
"Your mother so fat....when she jump....she get stuck".
And everyone laughs..
During the Tang dynasty, you might affectionately say to your girlfriend..
"Si3 fei2 de4! You very look much fatter today!"
and you wouldn't get a Ru Lai Shen Zhang to your face.
What is a man's most feared question?
Nope. Its not "Will you marry me?".
Nope. Its not "Are you gay?"
Nope. Its not "Dear...are you firing blanks?"
But it is "Darrrrrlllliiinnnnggggg........Do I look fat?"
That is the only question in the world that cannot be answered. Not even by Einstein himself. Why? Because there is no correct answer to it.
Yes = xiang long shi ba zhang to the face.
No = Lie = give you cold shoulder until you spend some moolah on her shopping to make her happy.
Shopping = trying clothes in the fitting room
Trying clothes = "Darrrrrrllllinnnnnnggggggggg..........do I look fat in this dress?"
Yes = 18 xiang long shi ba zhang to the face
No = Lie....
However, I suspect that this question was also unanswerable in the past.
No = suffocated to death between your girlfriend's butt cheeks.
Yes = Lie = cold shoulder until you spend some gold taels on her lunch and dinner to make her happy.
Lunch + Dinner = "Darrrrlllliiinnnggggg.......do I look fatter after eating?"
No = death by aphyxiation between layer 1 and layer 2 of her belly.
Yes = Lie....
So, yes I am FAT, but then its time this becomes trendy again. So I have decided to be the one to start it! So why not everyone follow suit and let's see who has a bigger belly!
I am stopping here because I am feeling sleepy after a full lunch. Time for bed.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Over the last 2 years, blogging has evolved from an online diary to a fad/craze/in thing. In addition, blogging went one step further by offering people a fast track to becoming a celebrity. For example, Miss Xiaxue, Singapore's very first celebrity blogger seems to be getting sponsorship deals, media-related jobs/invites to parties, and has transformed her into a somewhat celebrity of her own.
What exactly makes these people so famous? What is it about their blogs that attract hordes of readers such their daily hits far exceeds the monthly hits of a normal blog like the Mingmongster?
Well, I have gone through some of these famous blogs and I think I know why my blog is not as popular.
These are the factors that contribute to a famous blog and you shall see why the Mingmongster is not celebrity blog material.....
Rule #1 : Post lots of pictures, and master the Photoshopping Skill.
If you take a look at Xiaxue, you will find a multitude of pictures. Approximately half of her entries are littered with pictures. Most of which are naturally of herself. Narcissitic you might say? Maybe. But it allows readers to know who the protagonist actually is. However, it is useless to just put up pictures of yourself because a whole lot of people do that too. So what would distinguish yourself and enhance your pictures (and possibly your face) is to be an expert in Photoshop.
This poses another question. If you are an expert at Photoshop, your pictures might not be a true reflection of yourself, which contradicts the point about how readers like to know who the writer is.
Aha! Now this is the tricky part. Now your readers will start wondering (for example), if Xiaxue as hot as she looks on her blog? Or...Are Xiaxue's boobs as big as they look on her blog? This would certainly cause readers to make return visits to your blog in hope of satisfying their curiosity by waiting for you to post a real, unedited picture of yourself.
Then this poses another question. What happens then if you post a real unedited picture of yourself? Wouldn't your readers finally satisfy their curiosity and stop coming back to your blog? Now comes the ultimate secret to keeping your readers forever: Post some edited, ugly pictures of yourself! How would this help you might ask? Well, firstly, your readers would see a hideously ugly picture of yourself, but they know you have edited it with your exemptional Photoshop skills. Then one fine day when you decide to post a real, unedited picture of yourself, your readers would not be able to identify whether that is an unedited picture or not. They might probably think (for example), "Oh, its another one of those edited to be ugly picture of Xiaxue again. Boy this time its really Fugly. Man, she's good with Photoshop!" when in actual fact its her real picture. So this goes on and on, and readers will keep coming back to your blog.
But then again, there is a flaw to this tactic. You must not be seen in public. However, Xiaxue has masterfully provided an answer to this loophole. In her recent 24 Sept post "My make up secrets revealed", we discover that she has mastered the penultimate level of the Photoshopping Skill: Make Up. This allows her to Photoshop her real face so that even when she goes out, her readers will still be mystified by her looks and still not know how she looks au naturel.
If one day she learns Sun Wu Kong's 七十而变化 （don't know why the chinese characters don't seem to come out properly but this is qi1 shi2 er4 bian4 hua4), then she can 称霸武陵 (cheng1 ba4 wu3 ling2).
Well, I think I have posted a substantial amount of photos since I started blogging, but then, I have failed to master even Level 1 of the Photoshopping Skill. But then, I have always posted real pictures of myself. People get bored looking at it after a while. Therefore, I shall model my blog after the genius Xiaxue and edit my pictures too!
Although I cannot get Xiaxue the Photoshop 神 (shen) to be my 师父 (shi fu), but I shall not be disheartened...because I once heard a saying...by a chubby dude...who can't drive for nuts...
"其实神也是人。但他做了一些人做不到的事，才会称为神。“
(qi shi shen ye shi ren. dan shi ta zhuo le yi xie ren zhuo bu dao de shi, cai hui cheng wei shen)
Thus, I decided I could also learn her skills myself too! I figured, maybe with some makeup on, I could probably get that aura of mystery too...
Wonder if this will work....
Rule #2: Look irresistably hot/pretty/sexy/gorgeous
Another famous blog that I have come across would be that of Daphne Teo. She also has loads of pictures on her blog, but they are not photoshopped at all. How come this works for her? Well, the answer is obvious...she's too good looking to need any editing. Readers (guys who fantasize about her, and girls who just admire her) will keep coming back to check out her latest pics.
Even Xiaxue has hot pics of herself too! (Sorry XX, ripped w/o permission)
This guess proves why my blog isn't such a hit.
But then...I guess I can't improve on this aspect much since you have to be born with it...can't really expect popularity to come with pictures like this....
But then, I have to try...
I am comforted by the story of the ugly duckling...and the frog prince...and those movies where an ugly girl eventually becomes the prom queen...and Extreme makeover...
I can be hot too!!!!!
(thanks to a highly skilled photoshopper: my sis...I can also be hot!)
Rule #3: Show off your pretty clothes and shoes and bags etc etc
In addition to her beauty, Daphne's wealth helps in the popularity too. Girls probably just dig her clothes, accessories, bags, shoes, blah blah blah. She regularly goes shopping and displays her new buys on her blog...definitely to the envy of those who don't have such a deep pocket..
Unfortunately for me, I have no fashion tips to offer nor pretty clothes to share with everyone...
I prefer dress more casually...
Rule #4: Be as vulgar as possible.
Currently, my favourite read is Rockson's blog. This dude if bloody funny. And bloody vulgar. I figured that it was the way he writes that makes his entries so entertaining. The distinguishing factor about his writing style is his offensively vulgar critiques. However, if you were to read carefully, you would realise that it is actually some really intelligent banter and political satire, barring the profanities of every different dialect found after every 5 words on average and leaving no part of the human anatomy unmentioned.
This made me wonder...if I were to add in such profane expletives into my posts, would it also get me more readers?
Just compare the following...
Rockson wrote (lifted from his latest post):
"He also very excited when he call me. He said gahmen going to pump $160 million to make his Aljunied (he live in Simei) become more solid. I say him he is like pregnant woman who forget how pain the baby last time make her cheebye, and now want to seh baby again.
Everytime got election, gahmen like to give us many goodie, like neh neh for us to suck. Singapore share (is like Indon gahmen give rupiah to the village to vote them), upgrading the flat (because last time they too ngeow never install the lift), plus promise this and promise that. Hope that people smell the cheebye already will forget the bad thing in the last four year.
More Simi Lan Cheow Good Year."
If I were to write something like that...it would probably turn out something like this...
Mingmong wrote:
"He sounded exhilarated when he called me. He said that the government has decided to invest $160 million to upgrade Aljunied (but I could not comprehend why he was in such an ecstatic mood because he lives in Simei). I kindly reminded him of the old saying 'once bitten, twice shy' as I felt that he should not forget what happened in the past and fall into the same trap again.
Each time there is an election, the government would offer us many perquisites. For example, the Singapore shares (some would argue it is similar to the way the Indonesian government paid villagers to vote for them), HDB upgrading (which was delayed due to insufficient funds), and many other promises. All these in hope that people would recognise the incumbent government's competence and vote them in again.
The best is yet to come."
Now, I believe everyone would have fallen asleep reading the 2nd passage. Whereas Rockson keeps you constantly entertained, or keeps you constantly cringing with every penis he mentions.
Therefore, I think its time I changed the way I write!
But, I wouldn't want to copy Rockson's dialect-styled writings. I shall have mine in English only, which would draw more readers since I would cater to readers from abroad also who do not understand our Singlish.
Fuck.
I can't do it. I can't bring myself to publish a paragraph of obscenities.
Sigh...
What's that you say?
Why? You think I am a pussy?
Penis understand!
Ok...that's too much for me..
I think I shall just remain as the simple ole Mingmong...
Don't yearn to be a famous blogger. Just in case I end up famous on the newspapers and join the other 2 in jail tomorrow.
I guess I should just be original and not try to copy what the successful bloggers have done and model my blog after them, nor my pictures.......
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Its been a long time since I updated my blog. Many reasons why I haven't been blogging of late:
1) Work. After I officially started work with my team, there was a 2 week period where I worked late everyday. Late = averaging 8 - 9 pm. So by the time I get home, shack already, all I want to do is sleep.
2) Condor Heroes. Being a fan of Louis Cha's 4 famous stories, I naturally will watch the latest remake of the Condor Heroes, even though its a China version. I couldn't wait to watch 2 episodes every Saturday so I bought the dvds. Consequently, on the days when I get home earlier, I will plop into the sofa and indulge in Guo Jing and his adventures. However, I was quite disappointed with how they ended the show. Still think the older versions were better.
Anyway, now that my brain is occupied for most of my waking hours at work, I have little time to think of things to write, let alone sit down by the computer for an hour typing an entry. In fact, I already stare at the computer (2 monitors at once in fact) at the office the whole day, I automatically shun my own computer when I get home. I think I am also going blind looking at tiny little numbers everyday.
Just to update the happenings from the last post. In the end, I decided that the Chinese dude was not entertaining me enough, and I decided to bo hiew him. However, he did send me a copy of his passport.
This picture can be found on yahoo. How do I know? Well, because I was anticipating that he might as me for a copy of my passport too. So I went to yahoo images to look for passport pictures and I found some that look like this too. And this Mr Chu is such a moron. He just typed his English name over the original one, but left the Chinese characters unchanged. Little did he know that I can read Chinese.
Well, nothing much to write about since I haven't put much thought into this entry. Nothing to do on a Saturday night so I decided to put something up so that my dear readers will be surprised the next time they refresh my page.
Since there is nothing I have to write about, I can only write about what my life has been all about: WORK.
Well, work is great. Lots of learning everyday. However, I think my laptop doesn't like me. For the first 2 weeks, it gave me endless problems. Everyday I would go to office and find some problem with a program or monitor or mouse etc. And I will go looking for the IT lady to come help me fix it up. I think sometimes she comes to my desk 2-3 times a day. So after a while, if I see her in the morning, I would say, "I hope I don't see you again today!".
Apart from working, I also eat a lot. I think I am grabbing an ice-cream from the fridge almost everyday. Ha. Especially when I know I am going to stay late, an ice-cream really cheers me up man. Other than that, there are also the free lunches we sometimes have. Just this week, a new guy joined my department and we had a welcome lunch for him. This is a common practice, and I also did have mine too and it was at Spizza. This time we went to Keppel Club just down the road from Harbour Front. Ate at this Italian restaurant where the food was quite ex, but good. Other than that, from all that I remember in the last month, I think I've had quite a few free lunches. Helps me save money. Ha.
Anyway, I've mentioned how amazing one of the pantries in my office looks. Not sure if I am allowed to do this, but since I didn't mention what company I am in, and its only a pantry, I shall give you all a glimpse at it.
Do you believe me if I said this is my pantry?
Well, I think I get the same response when I show someone this picture. But, yes, this is then nicest pantry in the office. Facing Sentosa somemore. And just a couple of weeks ago, we had a Haagen-Daaz party to celebrate us reaching another milestone for the year. I was just expectign them to bring in some tubs of Haagen-Daaz and we go take when we want to eat. But, they called in the Haagen-Daaz people to set up a booth and scoop for us, as many scoops as we want, plus toppings! Also, there was also Haagen-Daaz ice-cream mooncakes!
Another cool event was APPEC (Asia-Pacific Petroleum Conference). Went for one of the party nights organised by my company. Saw Rachael Lee there. Some friends have asked me if Rachael Lee was also doing the same thing as me, and I had no clue. Well, now I know. She isn't an oil trader. She's kinda like a broker. It seems some broking houses hire pretty ladies to be brokers because they help bring in business. And true enough, she was with this other hotter gal going around passing their namecards to the guys. But oh well, women who have looks definitely have an advantage sometimes.
Me and my friends we the newbies, so it was hard talking to people there. Some are quite pragmatic, and prefer to talk to people who can offer them business.
On the left is a Vietnamese dude from NUS. Then comes an Actuarial Science genius from my school. And beside me this brother from India. Bloody smart guy. When he told me all his paper qualifications, my jaw just dropped in disbelief. I think he is more qualified than any guy in the office man. He is only 25 or 26 i think, but he has 1 Bachelor, 2 Masters, is a Chartered Accountant, and is taking Level 3 CFA next June. WTF!!! What's more freaky is that he is among the top 1% in his MBA school in India which happens to be the top Indian University. WTF!!!! And he dealt me the killer blow when he said he worked in Goldman for a year, and when they offered him a permanent job as an equities trader, he rejected it. WTF!!!!
This is what makes me stress sia. Competition is strong in the office. I am surrounded by geniuses.
Anyway, I have realised that working has changed me. Coming out from school and starting work changes a person, ALOT. For example, in school I sleep at least 8-9 hours a day. Sometimes even more. I do brainless things like watch tv, chat online, watch movies on my comp, sleep, and think of rubbish to blog about etc etc. Now, no time to rot man! So sad. Heh.
Also, now cannot have blonde hair, cannot change hairstyle every few months, cannot wear berms etc. But actually, I still got coloured hair la. Ha. And still wear jeans to work la. Quite relak one. But still...Now have to look a little bit more professional liao.
This is pictorial evidence of what I mean....
Unfortunately, that is not the only change. That is only on the outside. From Ah Beng, become working professional. That's good. But then, on the inside, not so good picture. Everyday eat, sit at the computer in office, eat, go home sleep. No exercise. Company give me ice-cream, canned drinks, and chocolate to eat everyday. How to not grow fat?!?!?!
Look!!!
Before was just in June when I was in Spain, but now....HAIZZZZZZZZZZ.
The worst thing that can happen next would be me starting to bald (CHOY!). heh.
Kenneth, have I just proven your fears? Hahaha.
Signed up for the Stan Chart marathon with the company. Think I am gonna die after 1 km. Jialat.
Alrights, nothing to type liao. Shall end off with this picture of my naughty Tiny.
Somehow, he looks like a Stingray when he sleeps like this.
And, does anyone know how why he loves to bite people?!?!?!?!?! And, anyone knows where is a good place for me to send him for obedience training? He is getting to naughty for me. Bite non-stop. Sometimes play play, but sometimes damn hard. Also, he is shedding fur like mad! HELP!!! Anyone know the reason and cure please tell me too!
Till next time! (hope it won't be another month later. Ha.)
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Been having late nights at work for the past few days. Shack. But glad that the busy days are over for now. Anyway, here's a follow up on the previous post. I know this is a lazy way of blogging since this is just cut and paste, but all my brain juice is used up by the time I get home. Oh well, for now you will have to make do with this, till I settle in properly at work and have more time to think about the out of point things I used to think about in the past.
sengchen chu
Dear Goh Yit Shyt,
Greetings to you,I received all your updates and now I am very certain that you are ready to give the required assistance and execute this business with me. I apologize for this late response as I was attending a Summit in Beijing with insufficient time for sensitive matter as I do not want any mistakes in this business. hope this will turn out be a long and lasting bussiness relationship together.This transaction is 100% safe and legal as you'll get to see as we go along, all procedures leading to the transfer of the funds to your local account or through our correspondent bank has to be secured with strict adherence to statutory provision of the law. As soon as the machinery to commence is set in motion, all the proof and copies of the documentation shall be sent to you in the course of the transaction and as at when due.
Due to the very sensitive nature of this pending transaction, please bear with me if I am being a little vague at this early stage as I am as skeptical as you are with communicating with a total stranger, but please be rest assured that the funds will be backed up with documents stating the origin of the fund and that it being funds for an inheritance going by the documents that will be secured, you will not have anything to worry about. It is a given thing that trusts is earned, it is not given out lightly, however, because of my dire need for a foreign partner in this transaction, I request your assistance to pose/ stand as the next of kin to the beneficiary of the estate of the deceased and all that is contained in the Will as shall be drafted and prepared by a notary public attroney. The WILL and other supporting legal documents shall establish you legally as the next of kin and sole beneficiary and executor of the estate and WILL of the deceased.
For this, I urge you to propose a reasonble percentage of the total funds as your share and as an _expression of my gratitude for your assistance and partnership, thus encouraging you to guaranty that my share of the funds will be secured and transferred to me as when required. I shall require some information and a brief profile of yourself and upon receipt of the information, I shall immediately begin the processes which will lead to the approval and release of the funds to you as the bonafide executor and next of kin of the depositor going by the documents that will be secured. After all the necessary documentation for the funds release are met and satisfied, an approval shall be given by the legal department of my bank for the eventual release of the funds to your nominated local account, or via our accredited correspondent bank. When the funds gets to the correspondent bank and into a account with the bank that you shall be required to open, you can transfer the money to your local account or any other account at your convinience and transfer a certain percentage of my share of the funds to me through an account that I shall give to you at that time. Please note also that the funds can be transferred to your local account if we meet the requirement for the direct transfer. I shall equally require your assistance in advising me on good investment opportunities in your country as I might invest the remaining part of my share of the funds in your country for the obvious security reason that might be breached if we come to back to my country with my share of the funds.
It is my hope that the funds can be transferred into your account within ten (10) banking days from the date you provide me with the information that I need to prepare the documents, but for now, I need to ascertain your ability to control and safe guard a large sum of money and guarantee that I shall get my share of the funds from you as soon as you receive the money in your account, I need to following from you:
Your full name and address;
Your confidential telephone and fax numbers:
A brief profile of yourself:
I might be able to contact you via telephone and once I clarify your willingness and ability to proceed with the transaction, I shall immediately give more insight as to what is expected of you for this transaction to come true. You may send me an e-mail with further information about yourself so that I can provide you with the rest details for us to proceed further. Should you decide not to render this assistance, it will be taken in good faith as this will enable me source for another person in the event of non-interest on your part.
I will not be able to send you my pass port ok as am not comfortable with this ok,because i still dont know who you are and this is a very huge amount of funds,so am always very carefull letting out the confidentiality of this transaction,but you can give me a telephone call on my confidential number as it was gotten forb this transaction alone for top most cnfidentiality. +88 21621527285
Kind regards,
Mr. Chu Sengchen
CHINA
Ps: I am a parent with 4 children and a wife, I cannot do anything that will keep me away from them so berest assured. All you need to know as regards my bankand other detailed information shall be brought toyour attention during the course of this transaction. Yea yea, try telling that to a real business partner. Having 4 kids and a wife my ass. Although the 1 child policy is gone, isn't there still a restriction on the family size?
Dear Mr Chu Sengchen
I understand your position with regards to security of information. However, being vague is not helping me in making a decision. I have understood your proposal with regards to this transaction and the further investment of your share of the funds in my country, but I still have my reservations with regards to the security of my personal information.
I would request that you can provide me with some form of collateral as assurance so as to reduce any risk of my personal information falling into the wrong hands. I can provide you with the following information as such:
Name: Goh Yit Shyt
D.O.B. : 29 Feb 1973
Country of residence: Malaysia
State: Si mi lan jau (this is a real place!)
I am currently working in an investment bank as the Vice-President of the Mountebanking Division. I have 10 years of working experience in the finance sector and you can be assured that I can help direct your funds to the areas which will reap the largest return.
As you are also working in a bank, I am sure you are familiar with the credit policies of a bank, which includes running a background check on the creditor or counterparty to ensure that he does not default on his payments. Therefore, I hope that you would be most understanding in my requests for a more detailed profile of you as well.
Also, I would like to inform you that I have roped in a friend of mine as my business partner in this deal. His personal information is as such:
Name: Yew Pang Tsai (the T in Tsai is silent)
Occupation: CEO of Major Sanitary Business Provider
Unfortunately, I am unable to provide you with a secure bank account number at the moment as I am still in the process of applying for a Swiss bank account to allow you to deposit the funds into. Do allow a few business days for the application to be processed by the Swiss bank.
I will forward my bank account number to you as soon as it is ready. In the meantime, I hope you would furnish me with more information about yourself and also a picture of yourself.
Sincerely,
Goh Yit Shyt (pronounced "Go-Eat-Shit")
sengchen chu
Dear Ming,
Greetings to you,I want to apologise for the delay in my response to you,I was assigne to an official asignement in bergjin with now privacy time to get back to you,anyway I nhave just gone through your correspondences and I want you to know that your informations is not enough to get this transaction started,this is legal documentataions that will be drafted by the accrdited attornys,this legal documenetaions cannot be contested afterwards,so any wrong informations you send down will jeopardise this transaction as a very huge amount of funds is going to be incured for the services of the attorney.
I have surcided in letting out alot of vital informations to you which am not comfortable about as I have still not confirmed your willingness to assit with this transaction,the attorneys has since being on stand by and nothing has being done till now,please I want you to know the urgency of this transaction and also please confirm your full willingness to assist and lets get started by providing your full name and address,this will be started in the WILL ok so its very important you supply the correct address. (all right, I will give u my full name and correct address...)
I have nothing to get from you ok rather am bringing joy to you and your family as am a family man myself and I dont want to do anythong to hurt another be rest assured. (he seems to love ending his emails with this family shit)
I wait to get informations from you and lets get started.
Thanks Partner
Mr Chu Sengchen
Dear Mr Chu,
This is the information you have requested.
Name: Goh Yit Shyt
Address: 369 Upyerass (pronounced "Up-Yer-Ass") St, Suite 4, 554845 New York State, USA
I hope you can now also similarly provide me with your personal details.
Sincerely,
Goh Yit Shyt
sengchen chu
Attention: , Goh Yit Shyt,
* This information is very confidential. It is for you only *
Now I am certain that you are willing to give the required assistance and I must maintain that we shall succeed as we are about to commence this deal,I was a little hill so this is couse of my delay to you anyway, Let me reiterate here that I seek an assistance from you that will benefit us immersely. I beleive in the principle of look before you leap, that is why I am sending you more information to enable you have an indepth and total understanding of this transaction before we commence. If after reading this detail you deem it fit to render the desired assistance, then give me a call so we can proceed, if your response is in the negative, please do well to inform me via email and destory all the communication we have shared.
I feel safer to divulge some vital information about this transaction to you at this time as I have done above by giving you my data and to bring you into the full picture of this deal with your apparent understanding of the need for utmost confidentiality and secrecy about every detail of this transaction till such a time when it is safe to do otherwise.
What must be done:
I have already take the information you have provided to the Attorney who will prepare the necessary documents and affidavits which will put you in place as the next of kin. The attorney will draft a Will which will name you as the beneficiary/sole executor of the Will. This WILL will be backdated to purport that it had been written and signed by the depositor himself. The attorney will file in the High court with an appropriate affidavit in order to empowering you as the next of kin/Sole Beneficiary and Trustee/Sole Executor of the Estate of depositor which includes the sum of US$30M lying in the account number which I shall give you. All these processes will be accomplished within 7 working days and money will be transferred to your account immediately. The very good thing about this transaction is that it will be done in a very proper and legal manner.
Upon preparation of these documents and approvals from the relevant authorities, then our correspondence bank in Europe/Canada will now transfer the money to your nominated account. The attorney will handle all the processes of obtaining the approvals on your behalf and therefore I ask that you be very certain of the bank information you have provided. On completion of this transaction, you will be required to hold this fund in your account until I come over to your country for the sharing of the money.
There is no risk at all as all the paperwork for this transaction will be done by the Attorney and my position as the Branch Manager guarantees the successful execution of this transaction. Please observe utmost confidentiality, and be rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us. I hope this will be an enduring partnership, because I will need your help to do a research into viable and feasible investment options for me; because I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country as any attempt for me to invest my share of the money in my country will only trigger off attention to me and a chain of investigation will ensue.
It is of utmost importance that you communicate only with the provided telephone and fax numbers, So please call me on my telephone number to acknowlegde the receipt of this e mail so we can discuss to smoothen out entangle issues that you do not understand.
Please note that you did not include you confidential telephone number,as this is very imprtant,I need to speak to you on the telephone fo better discussion and aquintances.
(what happened to all the family shit???)
I await your call/response while anticipating your full co-operation.
Partner
Mr Chu Sengchen
Dear Mr Chu,
This is my office telephone number:
(65) 999-7356-244 (if you observe carefully, if he calls this number, he will reach our friendly neighbourhood policeman)
However, I often fly out of the country for business trips and you might not be able to get me in the office. If you can't reach me, please leave a message with the operator. Tell her your name and I will get back to you as soon as I can.
Once again, you have ignored my request for your personal details. You claim to be a Bank Manager and you have an attorney, but I need proof. I also need proof that you are who you say you are. Therefore, I would really appreciate it if you could provide me with some form of evidence that the person I am conversing with actually exists. Ideally, a copy of your passport would be sufficient.
I hope you would not ignore my request again because I have fulfilled my side of the deal by providing you with my personal information, but you have failed to do so. Verbal guarantees alone would not be sufficient.
Regards,
Goh Yit Shyt
Cc: Yew Pang Tsai.
Alrites...that's the latest email he sent me today. Almost time for bed....working life si bey sian..
These are the 10 easy steps to being a working professional.
1) Sleep,
2) wake up,
3) go work,
4) eat lucnh,
5) work,
6) eat dinner late,
7) go home,
8) wash up,
9) repeat step 1
Optional: 10) take care of dog.
If step 10 is applicable, please add "early" to the end of step 2, add "the dog" to end of step 8, and add "late" to the end of step 1.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
A week ago, I received an email from a Mr Chu Sengchen. I opened the email, and I found that it was one of those email scams that has been going around for a long time. I used to ignore them, but this time, I decided to have some fun....
Here's what the dude had to say....
MR CHU SENGCHEN
Dear friend,
I am Mr. Chu Sengchen , Branch Manager. I have urgent and very confidential business proposition for you.
On November 6, 1999, a British Oil consultant/contractor with the Chinese Solid Minerals Corporation, Made a numbered time (Fixed) Deposit for twelve calendar months, valued at US$30,000,000.00 (Thirty Million Dollars) in my branch. Upon maturity, I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply.
After a month, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers, the Chinese Solid Minerals Corporation that he died from an automobile accident. On further investigation, I found out that he died without making a WILL, and all attempts to trace his next of kin was fruitless.
I therefore made further investigation and discovered that he did not declare any kin or relations in all his official documents, including his Bank Deposit paperwork in my Bank. This sum of US$30,000,000.00 is still sitting in my Bank and the interest is being rolled over with the principal sum at the end of each year.
No one will ever come forward to claim it. According to Laws of Republic of China, at the expiration of 6 (six) years, the money will revert to the ownership of the Chinese Government if nobody applies to claim the fund.
Consequently, my proposal is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand in as the next of kin to the man so that the fruits of this old man's labor will not get into the hands of some corrupt government officials. This is simple, I will like you to provide immediately your full names and address so that the attorney will prepare the necessary documents and affidavits that will put you in place as the next of kin.
We shall employ the services of an attorney for drafting and authorization of the WILL and to obtain the necessary documents and letter of probate/administration in your favor for the transfer. A bank account in any part of the world that you will provide will then facilitate the transfer of this money to you as the beneficiary/next of kin. The money will be paid into your account for us to share in the ratio of 80% for me and 20% for you.
There is no risk at all as all the paperwork for this transaction will be done by the attorney and my position as the Branch Manager guarantees the successful execution of this transaction. If you are interested, please reply immediately via the private email address above.
Upon your response, I shall then provide you with more details and relevant documents that will help you understand the transaction. Please send me your confidential telephone and fax numbers for easy communication.Please observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us because I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country.
Thanks and regards.
Mr. Chu Sengchen
I figured that since most people already know about such scams, this Mr Chu must be feeling really bored cos he is not receiving any replies. So I decided to entertain him...
Date: Sat, 27 Aug 2005 18:58:45 +0800 (CST)
From: "XXXXX"
Subject: Re: Business proposal
To: c_seng2@yahoo.com.cn
Dear Mr Chu,
My friend who received this email from you has informed me of your proposal.
I am very interested in your business proposition. I have recently finalised a similar deal with a Nigerian businessman and earned a hefty US$10,000,000.
However, before I provide you with my private information, I would like to ensure the integrity of this email and the authencity of your identity.
Please provide me a direct telephone number which we can use to converse and also a photograph of yourself with your passport and company logo in the background.
I hope you understand my concerns before engaging you in this deal. Being a banker yourself, you would know credit risk procedures that need to be performed before entering into deal, especially one that involves a large amount of cash.
Therefore, I hope you have been sincere in your proposal, and I look forward to your most favourable reply together with the contact number and photograph I requested.
Sincerely,
Goh Yit Shyt
Vice-President
Mountebanking Division
JP Longan Chase & Co.
I figured that there would only be 2 possible outcomes to my reply...
1) Mr Chu has a good command on English (which seems evident from his email), and he will realise that I am giving him a load of shit.
2) Mr Chu is a dumbass fraudster and he is going to get conned by Mingmong the mountebanker.
Tune in for more developments to this story of fraudster vs fraudster.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
A huge snake came into my house that day!
Fortunately, Tiny the Serpent Slayer came to the rescue!!! Finally, he is showing his natural instinct as a hunting dog.
That day, I walked out into the living room and then I saw a long thinggy on the floor from afar. Initially, I thought it was a cloth, but when I got closer, I realised to my horror that it was a bloody huge python!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!
I screamed! "TINYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!"
And Tiny went "Woof Woof!" and came running out of the room to answer my distress call.
Tiny saw the slithering serpent on the floor as it waited for the right moment to strike. But, brave ole Tiny struck first!!!
Tiny dived headlong into the leviathan creature and bit it!!!!
BRAVE TINY!!! I tried to restrain him and hold him back, but he was too fast for me. He took a few tiny steps forward and took a big bite into its leathery reptilian skin.
Tiny looked so small compared to the Brobdingnagian serpent which started to coil itself around Tiny.
Tiny looked like he was in grave danger!
The serpent spun around Tiny and opened its gargantuan mouth, and tried to bite Tiny in the neck!!
But Tiny is a better fighter. As soon as the serpent was about to sink its fangs into Tiny, Tiny ducked to the left and the serpent missed! And it bit itself!
What great reflexes Tiny!
The serpent hissed in pain.
But it recovered quickly and counter-attacked!
The serpent whipped its tail at Tiny and kept him busy, while it arched its malleable body the and tried to launch an attack from the rear!
But once again, Tiny got the better of it. As the serpent moved in to take a chomp at Tiny's ass, Tiny spun around and took the serpent by surprise...
Tiny bit the serpents tongue!!!
The serpent struggled in pain to break free but in vain. Tiny clung on to its tongue and refused to let go no matter how much the serpent writhed.
After a long tussle, Tiny finally let go and the serpent retreated in pain. But Tiny took the opportunity to deal his finishing blow. It pounced on the serpent and sunk its teeth into its neck!
With a whirlwind twist, Tiny broke the serpent's neck (I know snake's don't have a neck to break, but just take it as such la).
The serpent was finally slayed.
And Tiny stood proudly beside its defeated intruder and gleamed at me.
There you have him, Tiny, the Serpent Slayer!!
*applause*
.
.
.
.
A few minutes later, Tiny pees on the carpet...
Mingmong: "TINYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
There you have him, Mingmong, Pee and Shit cleaner.
*
Brought Tiny to the vet over the weekend for his vaccination, and I saw this litter of 4 Husky pups! So cute!!!!! And so well behaved unlike my Tiny. They all sat quietly on the bench and waited for their turn.
Think you can only see 3 here cos the other is in the laundry bag.
*
So as expected, work is tiring me out each day and Tiny doesn't help much by waking me up in the middle of the night.
But when I said I love my company, I do mean I love it!
Here's a few materialistic reasons why...
1) First day I went to office, they brought us to see the wonderful pantries. Great coffee maker they had. Good snacks and chocolates. Fridge of coke, ribena, milo, nescafe, green tea etc. All my kinda drinks. Then in the other fridge, fruits, fruit juice, milk, etc. Then best of all, in the freezer, MAGNUM AND CORNETTO! MAGNUM...omg... all time favourite ice-cream.
2) They so generously gave me a new handphone and corporate line and an Amex.
3) Every other week, they call in a masseuse for foot and shoulder massage. WTF! And as if the chairs weren't comfortable enough.
4) New IBM Thinkpad also just for me.
5) And of course, the fact that I haven't worked that late yet. But I think that will be striked off real soon.
and many more perks la...so shiok. They really know how to make their staff happy. No wonder people stay for 10-20 years. There's a lady who's been with the company for coming 30 years already. Power.
Alrites. Time to sleep.
